Marriage is the will of
God, making it work is the will of men. whatever you are experiencing in your
marriage right now has to do with somethings you are doing or failing to do.
but mainly marital problems has wrong thinking at its roots.
I have some good
friends who are experiencing ongoing tension in their marriage. They seem stuck
in a frustrating cycle of miscommunication, hurt feelings and sadness. More
than once they’ve talked seriously about throwing in the towel and going their
separate ways. They’ve drifted apart and they don’t know where they went wrong
or how to fix it.
As I’ve interacted with
married couples from all over the world, I’ve observed that my friends’
situation isn’t unique. MANY couples experience this same cycle that leads to
feelings of hopelessness and it can make the option of divorce appear like an
attractive fresh start instead of a devastating last resort.
I’ve started trying to
answer the question: Why Does This Happen? Why do couples who at one time were
strong, united and happy flounder into feeling disconnected and more like
adversaries than partners? There are many factors that can contribute to this,
but below I’ve listed out some of the most common (plus ways to correct the
problem and start growing closer together).
Here are the five most
common reasons couples drift apart and what you can do to prevent (or correct)
these issues in your own marriage (in no particular order)…
1. MAKING ASSUMPTIONS
instead of truly communicating.
Assumptions are the
enemy of healthy communication. In marriage, we can get into big trouble by
getting into a mindset that says, “She knows I hate it when she does that, and
she’s doing it just to bother me,” or “He should know that I need him to do ______
and I shouldn’t have to tell him.” There are millions more examples I could
list, but they all have the same point. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS! Talk about
everything. Express your feelings and ask your spouse to do the same. This is
the first step in getting back on the same page. Even the Bible has some strong
words about this: “Fools base their thoughts on foolish assumptions, so their
conclusions will be wicked madness” (Ecclesiastes 10:13).
#2 happens all the time
and it’s a common factor in most unhappy marriages…
2. Facing struggles
individually instead of tackling them together as a team.
Your struggles in
marriage are never “his” and “hers.” They must always be “OURS.” When we start
dividing our responsibilities, goals, dreams, money, time and struggles into
separate categories instead of sharing ownership over them all, we’re
practicing for divorce instead of building a stronger marriage. Divorce is
about dividing everything. Marriage is about sharing everything. Which one are
you doing? Stop dividing and start sharing.
#3 never works and it
makes BOTH spouses frustrated (and yet we still try to do it)…
3. Trying to fix each
other instead of trying to understand each other.
If your spouse has a
different opinion or perspective than you, it doesn’t mean he/she is wrong. It
doesn’t always mean that you need to have the exact same ideas. Marriage is
about unity, NOT uniformity. Being unified in your commitment to each other
won’t always mean that you share the exact same perspective on everything. Your
differences make you stronger when you learn from each other and try to see the
world from each other’s unique perspectives. Don’t try to correct your spouse
or convince your spouse that your way is better. Instead, strive to learn from
him/her and give him/her the respect he/she needs and deserves.
#4 will create a
negative atmosphere in your marriage faster than anything else...
4. Focusing on your
spouse’s flaws instead of his/her strengths.
Whatever you choose to
focus on will start to seem bigger and everything else will seem smaller by
comparison. I sometimes ask audiences to participate in an exercise where we
measure how observant we are. I ask them to look around the room and mentally
log every item they see that’s the color red. After five seconds, I ask them to
close their eyes and with eyes remaining closed I ask them to say out loud
every item they just saw that’s the color blue. There’s usually just silence
and some laughter. Nobody saw blue until they open their eyes again even though
the room was full of blue the whole time. The point is that we tend to see only
what we’re looking for. Jesus taught “seek and your will find.” Make sure
you’re seeking the right things. Look for the good; not the bad. Be your
spouse’s biggest encourager. Not their biggest critic.
#5 is probably the #1
leading cause of divorce and unhappy marriages…
5. Comparing the
current difficulties in your marriage with a false fantasy of how “good” life
could be if you were single or with someone else.
This false fantasy
causes more divorces than perhaps any other factor. It seduces one spouse into
leaving the marriage in pursuit of a mirage that doesn’t actually exist. In the
short term, perhaps you could find some temporary reprieve from the struggles
by ejecting from the problem altogether, but divorce is usually a tragic and
permanent solution to temporary problems. It’s a misguided attempt to stop the
pain, but it always causes more pain in its aftermath. I’m not saying divorce
is never justified, but like with my friends and with so many others, the
temporary relief of quitting is nothing compared to permanent blessings of
embracing the struggles and preserving together. You’ll be stronger on the
other side. Couples who make it work aren’t the ones who never had a reason to
divorce. They’re the ones whose commitment to each other was always bigger than
their reasons to quit.
If YOU are currently
experiencing any of these in your own marriage…don’t give up on each other.
Start some new healthy habits. Stick to them. Keep going on the difficult days.
Pray. Lean on each other. Surround yourselves with friends who will encourage you
and support you in this journey of rebuilding your marriage. Communicate with
your spouse about everything. Stop making excuses and start making a way
forward. For some tools to help you experience a one-week jumpstart on this
journey towards a stronger marriage, you can
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