As told by Lynda
Divorce triggers all kinds of emotional pain
and unsettling feelings. It totally disrupts the
life you knew and launches you into uncharted
territory. Everything changes; your routines,
your ability to trust another person, the loss of
your self-esteem, and uncertainty about the
future. Along with these changes, you may be
blown away by how devastated you feel (even
if you wanted the divorce). Allowing yourself
to feel your emotions and move through the
pain of your losses is what can help you let go
of your old relationship and move on with your
life.
*Allow Yourself to Heal
Are you feeling immobilized by the pain of the
break-up of your marriage? Do feelings of fear
and powerlessness bind you to the inner hell
you are living? Do you feel like you are
standing alone in drifting sand that obliterates
the forward path that you know you need to
take but cannot see?
And in spite of the devastation and loss you
are experiencing, do you feel that you need to
show the world that you can power through
the debris of your shattered life and survive?
If so, you are not alone. I remember that inner
paralysis well — going through the motions of
each day, wearing a paper-thin veneer of
“being okay” to present to the world, while you
feel broken inside.
As you begin to navigate this change of
direction in your life journey, how do you begin
to not only survive, but thrive? You need to
allow yourself to begin to heal. That is the
only way to begin to ease the pain that
catches you with every breath — you need to
allow yourself to feel the pain.
*Experience the pain as it surfaces
As you feel it, you allow it to be expressed
and released. You may need to pick your
times when it is safe and appropriate to
express your pain, but you do need to express
it. Allow it to rise within you and feel it right
to its depths. It is scary because it feels like
it is going to engulf you, but I promise it
won’t. If you go right into it, its power will
swell, crest, and subside — and you will find a
sense of calm and peace as it does. Do this
as often as your pain rises within you. It
needs to be acknowledged and released.
In the first weeks and months after I left my
marriage, I tried so hard not to succumb to my
inner pain. I tried to present a strong outer
image — that “I’m a survivor” persona. I
couldn’t fall apart because my children needed
me… and because I felt that everyone in our
small community was watching to see how I
did. I believed that I had to be stoic and that I
needed to just do what needed to be done. As
much as my heart felt broken, I stuffed my
pain down and went through the motions of
going on with my life.
That approach appeared to work on the
surface, but it really didn’t where it mattered
most. As much as I needed to be strong for
my children, I also needed to allow my pain to
rise so that it could be released. I think that
part of my avoidance was because I was
afraid of it. It turned out that I had nothing to
fear. I didn’t lose myself in it. It didn’t swallow
me. What I did need to do was to feel it — to
allow it to rise and then to go.
*Getting past emotional
pain requires a grieving
process
Experiencing your pain will make you a weepy,
sobbing mess, and that is okay. Your
emotional pain is real, and the only way to get
over your loss is to grieve it. Don’t stuff it
down and pretend that you are okay. Find a
safe place and way to express your pain — be
it through crying, raging, writing in a journal,
talking to friends and crying on their
shoulders, exercising, punching your pillow —
just do it. It will be the best thing you can do
to help yourself to heal. Every time that you express your emotional pain, you are releasing
it, and over time, you will begin to feel better.
I wish I had known what I am sharing with you
now. I soldiered on and tried to do everything I
could to help my children heal and to handle
the demands of being a single, working
parent. I kept pushing myself to do what
needed to be done, and as my son manifested
his pain in debilitating anxiety attacks, I
sought medical help for him. As I talked to my
doctor about my son, I was upset and
emotional. I cried; of course I did. I was
worried about my son. I also admitted to
chronic, severe headaches that regularly
became migraines.
My doctor’s response to the help I sought for
my son was to refer me to a psychiatrist. I
went, thinking it was to help my son. It turned
out that the appointment was for me, and the
psychiatrist’s solution was for me to take a
month off work so that I could get onto
antidepressants. When I told her that I
couldn’t leave work because I had to support
my children, she threatened me with
hospitalization and then, who would look after
my children? I acquiesced because I didn’t
know what else to do; I didn’t know that I had
other options. And I began the process of
what became a 19 year dependency on
Effexor. When I think back to my doctor’s
maneuvering to get me to see a psychiatrist,
without my knowledge or agreement, and the
psychiatrist’s quick and easy solution to my
stress and emotional pain, I am outraged.
I know that they cared and meant well, but
chemical dependence to a toxic substance
was not the answer to what I was
experiencing. Of course, I was stressed and
emotionally upset. I was a couple of years into
my journey of survival — into my journey of
pushing on — but I definitely wasn’t thriving. I
needed to commit to my own healing process
in order to do that.
*Experience your emotions
so you can release them
I know now that the only way to truly heal is
to feel what you are feeling. Of course, you
are grieving. You have lost your partner, your
relationship, and all your hopes and dreams for
your family. You need to take the time to feel
what you are feeling, and in time, it will get
easier because, bit by bit, you are releasing
the pain that you have internalized over a long
period of time. If you have experienced the
trauma of abuse or addiction in your
relationship, you have even more emotional
pain and hurt to process and release. Don’t try
to suppress it. If you do, it will lock into the
tissues of your body and manifest itself in
other ways — as physical illness and pain. It
certainly did for me. Emotional pain doesn’t go
away by itself. It needs to be acknowledged,
expressed, and released for true healing to
happen.
When tears come, don’t push them down and
pretend to be okay. Tears are your body’s
natural healing mechanism. To deny them is
to deny what your body innately knows to do
to cleanse itself of toxins caused by emotional
pain. Allow the tears to flow, get soggy and
messy for a while, and then as they ease, get
up and get moving. I have found that moving
my body in whatever way feels good also
helps me in my healing process. For me,
combining body movement with time in nature
brings me peace and soothes and uplifts my
soul. I try to get out into nature to walk and
jog as often as I can. It is a natural pain
remedy.
As you experience the pain and shock of your
separation and divorce, allow yourself to feel
and express it in safe ways. It will be the best
thing you can do to heal and to begin to
thrive. And you deserve to do far more than
survive this pain and loss. You, my dear,
deserve to thrive!
One more thing… and for me, it has been
crucial on my journey of healing… know that
you can turn to God to help you heal. Give up
your pain to the Holy Spirit and allow His
wisdom to guide you and God’s Love to
soothe you. If you wish to know more about
my journey of healing and personal and
spiritual growth following my divorce, I invite
you to visit my website at http://
discoverlifebeyondmeasure.com . I would love
to hear from you and to connect with you! You
can do this! I believe in you! With great love,
Linda
Divorce is one of the most painful experiences
a person can go through. But remember, no
matter how strong your grief, it won’t last
forever. These articles can help you start to
heal your emotional pain:
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